I, Brianna, being of sound mind and body, memory and understanding, and after consideration of all my worldly belongings and valuable assets, do hereby make, publish and declare this my Last Will and Testament, as follows:
First, I declare that I am a resident of Cook County, and the State of Illinois and that as of now I do not have any children or spouse that I am aware of, though I reserve the right to forget that time in Germany because I was so out of my mind that I couldn't possibly have consented to marriage to that random man named Hans. I maintain that I rejected him multiple times and if he insists that we're married, he's a damned dirty liar.
Second, I require that payments be made to settle all my debts, whether they be my pie indebtedness to certain friends who insist upon buying my pie for me when visiting Baker's Square or the rent on my considerably smaller than would be desired apartment. I hereby issue a formal apology to my landlord for being behind on rent payments even though I had the money for them all along. I really just wanted to live a Broadway musical, even if it was just for pretend.
Third, I bequeath my remaining monetary assets to the Girl Scouts of America in order to maintain their camps in the Midwest, most especially my favorite one, Juniper Knoll.
Fourth, all of my material possessions and various junk items may be divided up between my family members and thrown out as they see fit. Importantly, my guitar must go to my uncle or his next of kin with ridiculous numbers of apologies for never forcing myself to learn how to play it and the shame of having died without learning.
Fifth, all my written matter must be entrusted to one of my most trusted writerly friends with the express purpose of publishing it all in a posthumous collection that will be more famous than I ever was when I was living. In fact, I would like to allocate some of my monies to the purpose of marketing this work because damned if I won't go to the grave with some luster to my name.
Sixth, I would like to hire a crier for my grave for the first week of my interment. He should be delightfully handsome and wear bright colors when crying over my headstone. I would also like a plastic pink flamingo planted on my grave to be replaced every time the colors fade from its tacky plasticity.
Seventh and finally, I demand that my memorial take place in some festive outdoor place and preferably serve chocolate cake, because you all know I would have enjoyed to be there if I were alive if it involved chocolate cake and festivities in my honor. Please feel free to play charades, Bananagrams, and Apples to Apples in my honor as you see fit.
And so with this last parting message I part this mortal world to join a higher purpose in some ethereal realm. Farewell, all, I will see you soon, and we'll make as lively a ruckus as we can when engaging in undead shenanigans.
Much love,
Brianna
