Thursday, January 5, 2012 | By: Brianna

The First of the Lasts

Yesterday was the first day of spring semester of my senior year.  I was reminded of this multiple times throughout the day, and I'm still in denial.  When I say I'm in denial, I mean that I'm really deep in denial as in upon mention of graduation, I squeak, cover my ears, yell at the speaker, or leave the room.  I can't handle it, and I don't believe that all my classmates are as okay with it as they appear to be.  There's no way they're all that certain of what's going on or going to happen.  Or maybe they are and I'm just overestimating the anxiety change can create in a person.  Or I'm projecting.

So it's true.  I'm going to have to start coming to terms with the fact that my schooling is nearly over.  After spending the majority of my life in school every fall, winter, and spring with summers off, I'm going to be free. Free, bored, and potentially employed.

But I'll have time to read.  And I'll have time to write.  Because I won't have homework to worry about.  I won't have bulletin boards to make, I won't have meetings to go to on my own time...
There are so many perks about the possibility of a life outside of school, but I still can't convince myself that anywhere and anywhen is better than the here and now.  I don't know what I would be like if I hadn't come here for school and if I hadn't applied to be an RA.  What if I had just gone to work straight out of high school?  Some people do that, what would it be like if I had done that?

So I'm giving myself an assignment of sorts.  I'm giving myself this week.  This week and weekend I'm allowed to worry about The Future, pretend it's not going to happen.  Come Monday, I will begin coming to terms with The Future.  I will start making to do lists that pertain to The Future, and I'll procrastinate by applying for jobs instead of playing on Facebook (ha, like that's going to happen...).  Next week.  I don't want to do the "this is our last first day of school" thing.  It's depressing.  I'd rather focus on the hope of The Future.  The hope for an adventure and security.  No "lasts" for me, just "firsts."

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 
- "Closing Time"


Susan said...

YAY YAY YAY YAY! I'm proud of you! (and don't worry, we're not all ok with it!)

Elizabeth Hudson said...

I feel the need to share my experience with the matter :P

I don't think I ever really came to terms with graduation, even on graduation DAY, because I still had to stick around for May Term. And by the time May Term rolled around, everyone was gone, so it just felt like weird liminal space. Graduated but not really.
I got into some serious arguments with some of my senior friends, because they tried to project their excitement over graduation onto me. They could not comprehend why I wasn't running to the finish line and wasn't overly excited about getting the heck outta there. And I got frustrated because everyone who wanted to get out of there was extremely vocal about it and drowned out the voices of those wanting to savor their last days. I think those excited about graduation couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to start the rest of their lives yet, and those more hesitant about graduation couldn't understand why everyone else wanted to distance themselves from the friends and memories they made while at IWU.

I certainly can't explain my experience post-graduation, because that's just something no one can understand until AFTER they've graduated (the various frustrations vs. rewards). But I like your plan :) Don't let other people's opinions on the matter (positive or negative) taint yours, and you'll have a wonderful final semester :)

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