On Decisions and Doormats

Q:  So what’s with the title?

A:  Well, I liked the alliteration.  And it felt appropriate for what I’m going to be ranting about today.

Q:  Oh really, is that so?

A:  Yeah!  You know what, Questions, you’re just a figment of my imagination, so I would appreciate if you didn’t back talk me as much as you do…

Q:  But--

A:  Oh hush.

So sometimes I have a need to rant.  And that’s what this is for, right?  That’s a rhetorical question, so don’t worry about responding.

As a recently graduated student and someone who has just finished up an internship, it is generally agreed that I am an adult.  Being over the age of 21, I can legally consume “adult beverages,” purchase cigarettes, drive, and vote.  I have gathered just about every adult legal privilege that’s relevant to my life right now (I’m not entirely sure about when you’re allowed to rent a car or book a hotel room, if that’s a different age or what, so that’s why the qualification of “relevant” there).  So.  I’m an adult.  For all intents and purposes, in The Real World, I’m considered an adult.  Cool.

With the understanding that I’m an adult comes the understanding that I’m responsible for making decisions that affect my life.  I get to make the decision of whether or not I should go to the resume workshop at the library (which doesn’t exist, by the way, so any parents who are commenting that I don’t seem to be doing that this evening…you can settle back into your chairs right now).  I get to decide if I want to pull an all-nighter on what would usually be a school night, because I’m not in school right now.  I get to decide which jobs to apply for, how many times to bother the HR department about where my resume is in the pile of resumes, and whether or not to send a basket of muffins to the front desk to grease some wheels and win favor.

Something happens when you become an adult.  These decisions show up.  It’s your responsibility to make them.  You accept this responsibility, and you make the decisions.  It just happens in some weird natural understanding that this is your life and it’s your job to make these decisions.  Right?

Wrong.

I’m not sure how it happened, but I've somehow surrounded myself with people who seem to think that I am incapable of making my own decisions.  Maybe it’s my own fault, maybe I shot myself in the foot when I sold myself as “indecisive” in my relationships with people, letting my friends decide where we went for dinner or what movie we went to see.  If that is truly the evidence that these people are using upon which to base their opinion that they don’t think I can make my very own decisions, I feel like their assessment is flawed.

Let’s look at this example:
(This is a typical conversation.)

FRIEND:  Let’s go to dinner!

BRIANNA:  Alright, when and where?

FRIEND:  I don’t know.

BRIANNA:  You want me to make a decision…you know I don’t do decisions!

FRIEND:  Well alright, let’s go to Chili’s, you pick when.

BRIANNA:  What part of “I don’t do decisions,” did you miss?

FRIEND:  Haha.

Alright.  Looking at this example, you can see that I’m probably a little more stubborn and irritating than I’m giving myself credit for, but you get the idea.  In my defense, this is a joke.  I’ll make a decision, but in this case, I don’t want to make a decision that would be found disagreeable to the friend I’m meeting up with.  THIS is a trivial decision.  So.  If I’m incapable of making a decision of where to go for dinner, clearly that must mean that I’m also paralyzed in the face of larger decisions of what I want to do with The Future, right?

Wrong.

Those who assume that are those people who I will be tacking up on my dart board and pitching sharp objects at until their pictures fade or spontaneously combust from the heat of their own bullshit.  Frankly, I’m insulted by these people’s assumption that I am incapable of making the adult decisions that I’m supposed to be responsible for right now.

Alright.

To all those who are “looking out for me,” please stop.  Or talk to me.  Please don’t take actions that strip me of decisions because you think that’s going to make things easier for me.  At this point, I really don’t care what “easy” is, because I’m just trying to figure out how and who to be and I don’t really want to be the person who did what was easy because I had someone holding my hand the entire time.  Please remember that you are a part of my life, but you are not the person who gets to determine what path my life takes.  That is my responsibility, one that I accept and really want to hold on to.  Hell, there are people out there in the world who don’t get to determine the course of their own lives, and I’d like to exploit my privilege to do so with mine.  Do not treat me as a child, do not chide me if I choose to ignore your advice, do not make decisions for me.

To all those who consider me a doormat or indecisive, assess the decisions that you are basing your opinion upon.  Is it a trivial decision?  Is it a life-changing action decision?  Re-assess, re-evaluate, get back to me.

“Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts.  But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”

- C. S. Lewis