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This morning I awoke at my usual 7 AM (today to the sounds of the Tangled soundtrack) because I'm participating in the 24 hour theatre fest. It's exactly what it sounds like. In 24 hours, a bunch of people write, direct and act in a series of short plays. The most intense part (I think) is that the writers stayed up for quite a long time last night writing our plays. Today is the first day that I'm thankful I'm not a writer. Today I'm just an actor, so I can take directions and do what I'm told and get feedback, no worries about people misinterpreting what I write or butchering my lines.It's a glorious feeling. I feel free.
But the real fact of the matter is that I am a writer. Maybe not for this show, but for the show of life, I'm writing the script, and half of the lines need to be cut. They're not that good. I've been writing a lot. As my loyal readers know, I've been writing a poem a day since the beginning of September, and there's no end it sight quite yet. I've noticed that a lot of my poems are influenced by what's going on in my life at the time of writing. I had a whole series of zombie related poems when my university was playing a game called Humans versus Zombies, and I have a short bunch of poems that feature or are indirectly related to the boy I started seeing about two days after I started the Poem-a-Day project.
A good many of my poems are products of my distress. I frequently get flustered or stressed out, and instead of buckling down and committing to doing my homework, I write poetry. If you're friends with me, chances are you've shown up in my writing in some capacity, though I try my best not to consciously do that. But a lot of times I'm worried/concerned/hurt/stressed/distressed, so I have to get the words down on paper. And I can't help but wonder if there will ever be a time when it would be appropriate to show the objects of these poems the poetry that was written about them. Mostly because I'm at this stage in my writing where I want to show everyone everything, dance around and sing, "Aren't I brilliant?" Even though I would never admit to it if they told me I was. The answer I've come to is "probably not, Brianna" because I can't for certain determine what the objects of poetry might read in the piece, and I don't want to create awkward situations.
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Now that I've gotten to a point where there have been distinctive shifts in my life and situation, I've been writing a lot about my daily life which isn't too thrilling. And I've learned that a break up can be really great fodder for ideas, even though you have to jump over the cliche hurdles to get to anything good. So I find myself thinking...would I want to show anyone those poems much less the person they're about? Yeah, I think it would be safe to say that that would be awkward. Even if I wasn't purposely writing about a person, if I wrote something that they could interpret as about them...emotional distress. I know this partially from experience and partially because I'm self-centered.So it all boils down to even though I can crow, "Oh the cleverness of me!" I can't show the subjects of my poetry those poems. I just can't. So if I'm looking for feedback...I better pray that those feedback givers don't show up in my poetry because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable unnecessarily All uncomfortability must come from necessity, naturally! Gosh! When it's all over, when I'm done being broken up about a break up or done feeling betrayed or abandoned by close friends or done being over the moon excited about an unpaid internship, even when the feelings are gone, they're still going to be stuck to the page of the poem, so even if I say, "Hey, I don't feel this miserable/happy/whateveremotionapplies anymore," the reader could still read into it. And then misunderstanding. Or worse, understanding. Understanding that maybe they made me feel that way, and then guilt. And no one wants that. Well, at least I don't want people to feel guilty.
Decision: Choose your audience wisely, Brianna. The end.
"Poetry is an act of peace. Peace goes into the making of a poet as flour goes into the making of bread."
- Pablo Neruda
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