A: Okay, the reason I'm writing about this is mostly because I was reading my friend's blog, and she was just talking about growing up and how she's not one to shirk from change or transition. So thank you, Susan, for the inspiration!
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| Thank you, Google! And thank you, Back to the Future II! |
The Future. Often I wish that I could look at The Future while stepping onto the set of Back to the Future II, walking with Marty McFly as he gapes at everything around him. The flying cars, the reflecting pool, the Cafe 80s... To say that I would like to be a tourist in the future would probably be a safe statement, if only because then I wouldn't have to change myself. Or anything about my life as I know it. I'm pretty much content with what I have and what I am right now, so I'm loathe to give any of it up. I'd rather just take a peek at The Future, ascertain if I like what I see and then go back to my comfortable life.
Change, growing up, transition, whatever you call it, it usually means that something's going to be different. Sure, I've gone through transitions, I've lived to tell the tale well after I broke down, disbelieving that it was actually happening. It always happens. Change does. And there's really nothing I can do about it besides dig in my heels and put my hands over my ears in order to pretend that it isn't happening. It will anyway, but I can live in a safely shut away state of denial. Which might be nice.
I'm not really sure that I know anyone who's completely okay with change. I just feel like I'm more paranoid/freaked out about it than normal people because I try my best to avoid it. The change, that is. My classmates keep telling me, "Oh my gosh, we're seniors now!" and my response usually resembles "Don't tell me that!" But by next year I'll have to come to terms with the fact that the eight bajillion years of my schooling will be over. I'll have to move back in with my parents and try to scrape together a living.
The Future is scary because everything's so uncertain. I don't know for sure what I want to do with my life. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know if I'm going to be able to pay rent, feed myself, make friends, keep friends, visit home, have fun, actually live. I don't even know if I'm going to live past graduation. This assuming that I graduate, of course. And then there's the 2012 prediction, so should I really be worried about having too uncertain of a Future when the world's going to end six months after I graduate anyway? I won't really have to worry about starting a career if the world ends. Which is semi-comforting. (Again with the comfort.)
I'm comfortable. I don't like leaving my comfort zone. If I could have an adventure from home, I would love that. Because as much as I talk about how I want to have an adventure, leave home and see the world, I'm way too much of a scaredy cat to do it. Let's be honest, I'll probably end up living with my parents until the end of time (which could only be six months, but you get the idea). All that networking stuff that I'm told would be really beneficial to my life or career? Yeah, terrifying. Can't handle it.
I'm not ready to be a grown-up here. So maybe I have the age, and I'll have the ID to prove it come June, but I'm really just a scared, pathetic little kid stuck in this college girl's body. Which is a really strange place to be, believe me. My mental age is probably around 12. Or younger. So would people really take me seriously in some sort of work setting? I like to color in my spare time. I like watching cartoon Disney movies, and they make me cry every single time. When I'm bored or thinking, I lie in the middle of the floor and stare at the ceiling which still has glow-in-the-dark stars on it. I sleep with a teddy bear. My wardrobe consists of nothing but high school t-shirts and jeans. Would re-vamping my wardrobe or re-decorating my room really make me feel more like an adult? Because it's really just a mindset, right? But do I really want that? I have fun the way I am, I like doing quirky things on a whim or dressing up.
I want to be able to say that I stepped into The Future and I didn't show fear, that I didn't let it get to me, but there's a very big part of me that's letting The Future get to me anyway. So where does that leave me?
"Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed."- Wayne Dyer
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