Poetry Friday -- Vogon Poetry

So because I'm making up blog posts today because I was a slacker before and because I'm not really held accountable for the legitimacy of any of my blog posts, I'm going to write about Vogon poetry.

Today is Douglas Adams' birthday.  If he were alive today, he would have been 60 years old.  Douglas Adams is the author of the series that starts out with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Apparently it's called a trilogy even though it has five books because Douglas Adams was a wonderfully ridiculous man.  There's also a sixth book in the series written by Eoin Colfer (author of Artemis Fowl) fairly recently.

Fun fact: Douglas Adams wrote for Doctor Who.  Thereby further legitimizing my love for the British science fiction show.  (Even though Douglas Adams didn't write any of the episodes I've ever seen...)

Douglas Adams is one of the main reasons why I believe that the things I write might actually be considered popular one day.  If he can send a Chesterfield bouncing across an open field, then why can't I do whatever I want in my own writing?  Okay, maybe not whatever I want until I'm about as famous and well-known (because those are two different things, right?) as Douglas Adams.

So Vogon poetry.  According to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the "third worst poetry in the Universe."  Listening to it read is something akin to torture.  Honestly, I think Vogon poetry is a little amusing, but it takes the form of nonsense verse.

I think there's something to be said about nonsense verse.  In some ways I feel like it can be used effectively when someone integrates nonsense with sensical things if only to give it some context.  I'm thinking of "Jabberwocky" and the idea that "the momeraths outgrabe" (I'm doing this from memory, so please don't punch me).  Also if there's a pleasing rhythm or sound to the nonsense verse, it's more likely to be appealing.  I get the distinct feeling that that's not the case with Vogon poetry, so I'm not holding my breath.

The description that the Guide gives it is (provided to me by Wikipedia):
"Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem, Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning, four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council, survived by gnawing one of his own legs off... The very worst poetry in the universe died along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex... in the destruction of the planet Earth."

So Vogon poetry probably wouldn't be that bad if it had a rhyme, rhythm, or reason.  But because Vogons enjoy watching you squirm in pain and agony from hearing their verses...I find it difficult to believe that they would try to make their poetry enjoyable.

I found a couple Vogon related links that you might want to check out:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml (I wrote one of these, and the first adjective should not have been "cheery."  Oops!)
http://www.whippersnapperpress.com/events (I'm really jealous that they have a Vogon poetry slam.  If I lived in the UK...I would be so there.)

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." 

- Douglas Adams

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Heat and Mini Vampires

The entry in The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy on "heat" is practically blinding.  This is due to the fact that the entry on "heat" is solar powered and takes in the rays of whatever sun happens to be nearby at the moment and lights up the entry and all of the surrounding text.

The Guide claims that "heat" is the absence of cold, and a temperature which is found to be uncomfortable for most people once it hits about 95 degrees Fahrenheit.  Red hot temperatures cause humans to emit a pungent odor due to the liquid being squirted from their many orifices, and sometimes even results in the outer layers of skin burning.  Aliens of different races such as the Gallafinacks change color in the heat, thereby leading to Gallafinacks being kept as pets in many of the galaxies outside of the Milky Way, and sometimes they are worn as mood rings by the giant races of the Tadpole Galaxy.

Heat has been known to make Earthlings angry or upset for no apparent reason owing to the fact that when the outside temperature exceeds their internal temperature, their blood literally boils in their veins.  It is not a pretty sight when an Earthling explodes, and quite a bit of clean-up involved.  (See CIA)

Heat has also been known to encourage the breeding of the endangered species known as "mosquitoes."  These tiny little bugs are actually mini vampires that can fly.  They suck the blood of innocent Earthlings and produce itchy spots all over their skin.  The skin of the Earthling, that is.  Earth is a designated preserve in order to encourage the preservation of the mosquito race.  Updates will be forthcoming.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

- Harry S. Truman

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Grimm Theatre

The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy's entry on "Grimm Theatre" is a bit spotty, but supplemented by first hand experience from one of the Guide's field writers.

Today marks the end of my fourth year directing fairy tales for The Grimm Players, a troupe of actors I organized.  Considering this is the end of a summer's worth of hard work, I feel that I should be sad or depressed.  It's not that it was a burden, so I'm not jumping up with joy that it's over, but I'm glad that we finished up successfully.  I'm proud of our group and all that we've accomplished within the past four summers.  We started out as a group of four actors performing three fairy tales written and directed by one me. Oh, and four milk crates.  And by now we've expanded to six actors, three writers, two directors, and six milk crates.  We have truly grown in size, talent, creativity, and innovation.  Today I can safely say that I've never been prouder of that little troupe that I started and how far we've come since the summer of 2008.  To put it simply, we're amazing.  There's no room for modesty here, we really are amazing.  While I've had nothing to do outside of this pursuit due to my unemployment and inactivity, my actors have juggled this commitment plus full time summer jobs, summer classes, drivers ed., and family commitments.  I really appreciate everything these talented people have brought to this project.  And all that's left to say is "Well done!" (Field Agent 061508, writer/director/producer of The Grimm Players)

 The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy would like to apologize that this entry is full of incomprehensible and partially sentimental nonsense, but that is where the entry ends.  A new field agents is scheduled to be assigned to this entry during a summer some time in the year 3025.  Thank you.

"What an excellent day for an exorcism."

- The Brothers Grimm (movie)

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Walking

The entry on "walking" in The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy is highly illustrated, picturing humans young and old strolling through a variety of locales including (but not limited to) parks, gardens, cities, country roads, and the moon, but only for casual strolls.  Then there are also the people walking about in sweatbands and athletic shorts, drenched in their own sweat.  These humans presumably walked a great distance in high temperatures, or have had a bucket of sweat poured over them for the purposes of taking the photograph.

An expert in the study of walking observes:

Walking is exercise for the people who don't exercise.

Eloquently put, this observation is held among elite circles of people who venture out into the world for the express purpose of creating perspiration.  But there are other folks who walk for both fun and recreation.

Walking is a simple matter of falling and catching yourself continually until you get to the place where you're going.   There are some humans who find this practice difficult and manage to forget to catch themselves, thereby falling on flat ground and injuring themselves (though not permanently.  Experts have concluded that such consistent falling takes a toll on a person's "pride" more than anything else and once that store of pride has been depleted, it is quite difficult to win it back.).

See other entries related to this one: walking on sunshine, walking contradiction, walk the dog

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Independence Day

The entry in The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy is somewhat lacking in that it only covers the Independence Day of one country on Earth: The United States of America.  The pages of this particular entry are stained with a red, white and blue substance called "Kool-Aid" and smeared with various condiments from barbecues that range from yellow mustard to neon green relish.

Thank you, Google!

All the same, it's a difficult entry to read, but seems to go a little something like this:

WE'RE FREE FROM THOSE NOSE-PICKING BRITS!  DOWN WITH TEA TIME AND DOWN WITH BISCUITS!

Which seems a little dated.  Today's celebration of what is commonly referred to as "The Fourth of July" is centered around barbecued foods, red, white and blue decorations, and displays of large exploding fireworks that are shot into the sky for the enjoyment of people of all ages.  The history of this holiday is rooted in the signing of The Declaration of Independence by a man named John Hancock and some of his friends, thereby declaring the country's independence from the "mother country" of England.  Today's celebrations feature patriotic ditties and outdoor activities, though few people meditate on the history of the day.

All the same, the Americans on Earth find the Fourth of July a joyous day of celebration that usually goes out with a BOOM!

"The will of the people is the only legitimate foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object."

- Thomas Jefferson

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Libraries and Dance Parties

According to The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy, a "library" is a place where strange bound bunches of paper called "books" are kept.  A tradition held on Earth requires silence within a library, and the enforcers of this silence are called "shushers," or more commonly as "librarians."

An example of a librarian from the historically accurate film, Ghostbusters.

Of course in other star systems such as TrifectaVeritas, silence within a library is not only frowned upon, but it is viewed as an insult to the deceased writers that are preserved within the legs of all the reading tables.  Therefore, great shouts of anguish or hysterical bouts of laughter are encouraged and applauded whenever they happen at quarter past the hour every day.  It can only be assumed that Earth tradition's silence requirement is a sign of respect for those who cannot read while others are chattering in their ears or listening to loud music.  To those people, The Guide tips their metaphorical hat and informs them that they should probably start learning how to read in the midst of distraction or die a painfully quiet literary death.

It is interesting to note that those libraries found within the city limits of a certain Midwestern city of the most powerful* country in the world lay empty, silent or depressing while the libraries in the suburbs of that same city host a line** of people prior to the opening of their doors.  And once the swarm of people enter the library, every possible chair/table/desk/swatch of floor space is taken up by someone reading, studying or just generally trying to look studious and possibly failing.

A neighboring entry in The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy outlines the method of starting a spontaneous dance party spontaneously and preserving the spontaneity of such an act.  Though dance parties are commonly accompanied by music and large groups of people moving around in some semblance to the rhythm pumping through people-sized speakers, The Guide insists that a dance party might be organized without music at all and with great distances established between dancers.  Dance parties without music in public places are strongly encouraged by The Guide as it is a sign of great joy or enthusiasm for life ahead.  But if music is found to be a necessity, then anything with loud bass and a lack of coherent lyrics is found preferable***.

* The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy cannot be found liable for wildly inaccurate facts or opinions if they're already widely held opinions that are just being repeated for your benefit.

** The Guide neither condones nor condemns standing in line for library openings, amusement park rides or the release of obscure video games.

*** The music referrals by The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy in no way reflect the opinions of the editors.  In fact, it may be said that the opinion of the editors is that fish may fly on zeppelins during Thursday afternoon tea.

"The loneliness was still there, but it was getting louder and easier to dance to."

- Unknown

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Reading

According to The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy, "reading" is an intellectual pursuit taken up by only the most sophisticated of persons, usually leading to a loss of eyesight or growth in overall knowledge.  The Guide goes on to explain that reading requires to use of a certain tool, what is commonly referred to as a "book," or what is referred to on the distant shores of the ocean planet Jettybega 7, a "rag."  (Though it should be stated that on Jettybega 7, the act of reading requires the reader to stand barefoot on the torn-out pages of an Earth book and stare down at it until the reader falls into a trance and topples over in ecstasy.)

To the average Earthling college student, reading is torture.  Whether it be the reading of a thick biology textbook or the reading of a rather enjoyable piece of avant-garde fiction that needs to be finished by the next day.  The Guide hypothesizes that this student attitude held towards reading stems from the primitive reactionary verbalization of "I don't wanna."  This being said, the "I don't wanna" reaction leads any college student to approach literature or what is called "homework," with particular dread.

When the summer season follows hot on the heels* of spring, Earth students are set free into the open air, far from textbooks and homework that they "just don't wanna" do.  Though some students might take advantage of this season to avoid any written work ever, some will pick up brightly colored, floppy  and shortened books called "magazines" or within some circles as "comic books."  And then still others will choose to read frivolous fictions or perhaps even Earth classics such as Jane Eyre and Webster's Dictionary.


Though the students who choose to pursue the classics should probably be revered by their classmates for their dedication to the written word, instead they are reviled and cast aside while their peers hiss at them.  Such is the cost of Earth intellectualism, or perhaps such within the summer months.  Once fall arrives and classes resume, those with the tenacity to continue reading in the midst of homework and the like are stared at in wonder, and asked if they have the time to do their roommates' homework as well.


* The Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy can not be held responsible for any puns, cliches, offensive turns of phrase or innuendo that were actually a result of the reader's own interpretation.  The editors staunchly stand by their explanation that: "It's your own damn fault."

"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure."

- Jane Brody

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy: Adventures

Adventure, according to the Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy is a popular film genre which usually stars a rough-edged hero played by any number of A-list actors.  The Guide goes on to explain that adventures also feature fairly predictable plotlines segmented by chase scenes, thereby leading to the phrase "cut to the chase."  The second entry in the Guide under "adventure" explains that an adventure is any exciting event, outing or action that increases levels of adrenaline in the adventure-seeker's body.  Common adventures include (but are not limited to): skydiving, bungee jumping, ding-dong-ditching and cow tipping.

In the extended version of the Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy, it cites an example of an adventure written by one of the fieldworkers of the Guide:

Just the other day, I found an event on Facebook called "The MP3 Experiment."  For those who are not familiar with Improv Everywhere, it's coordinated by them.  Though I wasn't placed in New York for my field work for the Guide, I found out that the group had organized an MP3 Experiment for Chicago.  Which was perfect.  This is just some of the craziness that can ensue from an MP3 Experiment:

 So I had no idea what to expect.  After a couple hastily sent text messages, I had three friends to go with me to Millennium Park, all accompanied by our own MP3 players, having donned blue and yellow t-shirts.  At precisely 1:30 PM, we were sitting near the Bean and pressed "play."  For the next half an hour, we were lead by our omnipotent voice "Steve" through a series of activities that included stretching out, waving to other participants, giving the thumbs up to people who were just watching, walking around and freezing for one minute, playing a game of "follow the person who's not participating," hug inanimate objects, animals and other participants, engage in a spontaneous thumb war, power nap for 15 seconds, and journey to the field where concerts are held under the guise of finger mustaches.  Once at the field, we created a gigantic human dart board.  The dart board was gigantic, not the humans.  All the people in red t-shirts created the bulleseye, then they were surrounded by the greens and then the blues.  I was in yellow, so I got to be a dart and try to get as close as I could to the bullseye.  I made it to the border between green and red, and then we played a version of squished up "Twister," using each other as the dots on the board.  Then we were instructed to play Freeze Tag, and yellows were "it" first.  Somehow my MP3 player had gotten ahead of everyone else's, so I had a good five second headstart when I was "it".  After Freeze Tag, we had a 15 second power nap in the middle of the field, and then we had a slow motion celebration, running around, giving high fives and hugs...all in slow motion.  It was pretty much the highlight of my summer so far, which probably isn't saying much, it was definitely a once in a lifetime thing, and I'm glad to say that I did it!  ---- Field Agent 425830

 The Guide goes on to explain the origin of flash mobs and "urban pranks" as well as the wonders of brainwashing.  The Guide hypothesizes that a person could conceivably stage a coup merely by instructing people via an MP3 track to do ridiculous or subversive things.  And then the Guide digresses and disappears into a puff of distraction.

Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy

Today I'm answering the wish of one of my friends.
Well, two of my friends.

That and there are going to be changes made to "Wish Monday."  Instead of doing a "Wish Monday" segment, because that's full of longing and sometimes whining, I've decided that I'm going to shift focus to answer the wish of my friend, Melbourne, and record my life knowledge.  Because I know so much.  So will begin a segment titled "Hitchkratz's Guide to the Galaxy."  (Thank you, Tom!)

This shift was prompted by a status post on my Facebook that listed a number of things that I learned over the course of the past two days (today and yesterday) while at orientation for my brother in Iowa.  I've been to Iowa before, but I've never been to University of Iowa.  Well, not inside any of the buildings.  For the past two days, the only building I spent any substantial time in was the Iowa Memorial Union, more commonly referred to as "the IMU."  Which I pronounced "I-MOO."  Because that's just the way I am.

Today I learned that when you're in Iowa City at 8-ish AM, nothing is open.  When you're in Iowa City at 9 AM, nothing is open.  In fact, nothing of interest is open until 10 AM.  I learned this because when in the company of my mother, I learned that she would be sitting through all these boring academic sessions.  I decided that I would explore Iowa City (at least a part of it) and browse the shops in the mall.  So after dropping off my mother at the I-MOO, I climbed up the partial hill to get to the mall, which I discovered was open.  To my dismay, all of the shops were locked up with those funky cage-like mechanisms.  All I wanted to see was the Silver Spider because it has a lot of neat little trinkets in it, but I gathered that it wouldn't be open for a while.  So I sat down to read some of Jane Eyre and wait till 9:00.  When 9:00 came and went and none of the stores near me were opening, I could only assume that they would be open at 10:00, leaving me another hour to kill.  I killed this hour by sitting outside for a little bit and doodling, making a list of things I want to put in a "you're going to want this at college" box for my brother, and browsing a TINY grocery store.  I sat in front of the Iowa City Library for a little while before I noticed the sign that said it opened at 10.  Once the clock finally struck 10, I went back to the mall and looked at the shops I wanted to see before returning to the library so I could check my e-mail.  Of course, there was nothing exciting to see, except Facebook thought I was hacking into my own account because someone in Iowa City was logging in as me.  Even though it was me.

I also learned that bridges are meant to go across rivers.  Walking around with my mom, we were talking about where this pretty green bridge behind the I-MOO went.  I asked her, "Hey, where do these stairs go?" And she responded, "They go up." (Ghostbusters)  It was one of those moments.  We watched the icky gelatinous pollution float down the river for a little while, and explored the far side of the bridge very briefly.  Nothing too exciting, just a busy street and some sidewalk.  Typical.

There were some other things I learned, but those are the most essential things to visiting Iowa City for a single day!

"Is this heaven?"  "No, it's Iowa."

- Field of Dreams