The New Year

Today, I stumbled upon my prompt box.  The one with the pretty strips of paper all folded up and full of interesting prompts upon which to write.  Well.  Things to think about writing about.  Because you know what, I'm going to end that sentence with a preposition...and everyone's going to like it.  So there.  Anyway, I pulled a prompt:

"Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago.  What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?"

Naturally, that brought me to look at this beauty from a little more than a year ago.  As far as attitudes go, I'm pretty much in the same place.  I relish the idea of growing old versus growing up because it makes my brain hurt in a not quite unpleasant way.  And I wholeheartedly agree with Past Brianna that I would much rather grow old.  There will be no growing up here.

As far as life goes, this time last year, I was living in Florida.  I was packing my bags to get ready to come back to Illinois.  I had no job prospects, and no idea what I was going to do with my life past move into my childhood bedroom in my parents' house.  I was newly single, I was irrationally bitter, and I knew that I was going to miss the support and friendship I found in my flatmates.  I had also just finished off a tiring week of work, and was excited to get to a more normal work schedule for my last week.  I was also writing angsty and/or conflicted poetry, some of which turned out well.

This year, I still (unfortunately) have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.  But today I'm at home in Illinois temporarily because come Saturday, I will be driving back out to Nebraska where work has taken me.  I have a job, I have my own place to live (rent-free), and I have excellent co-workers who I'm looking forward to getting to know even better during the next couple months of 2014.  I'm staying in touch with the majority of my flatmates, as well as classmates from college and high school.  I'm just finishing up a relaxing week of rejuvenating "at home time" and there's a part of me that's itching to get back to Nebraska.  Today I find myself irrationally optimistic when I'm not choked with terror, and making Shrinky Dinks, because that's what a 23 year old does with her free time in her childhood home before she gets back to her "big kid job."  Though I can't classify under a specific heading or genre...I'm still writing poetry that echoes way too much of my current life experiences.

My one conflict with my past "journal entry" is that though I agree with it and want to put it into practice, I'm currently in a job that requires me to act a mite bit older than my true age...because I manage college students.  And I'm no longer a college student, so I can't buddy-buddy with them.  So I find it more difficult to not grow up, or to do justice to my desire to never grow up.  I wouldn't say that I think my soul has died and I'm now an adult, but I will say that I can't run around coloring on walls with crayons or rolling around in the snow in front of my Nebraska home.  Frustrating, yes.  But I'm sure the universe has its reasons for putting me through this.  (Oh gosh, that sounded a lot...I don't know, but I'm leaving it because I'm too lazy to find a way to re-phrase.)

Onward to create more Shrinky Dinks!

Happy 2014, let's make this one a great one!

"When you grow up, your heart dies."

- The Breakfast Club

Dependent

I'm having a problem.

I feel like I depend on other people far too much.  I have a couple examples, but the most glaring example is at work.  Yes, I'm learning how to do things and I'm getting into the groove of things, but I feel like I'm probably asking questions before trying to figure out the answer on my own because it's easier to ask the question first.

I spent a lot of my first semester of my senior year of college asking my boss what I should do in nearly every situation.  Having trouble with a desk aide?  I asked my boss what I should do.  Hearing RA gossip?  Talked to my boss, asked her what to do.  Not sure if it's a date?  Asked my boss.  I'm not kidding.  And every single time I came to her with a question, her answer was, "Brianna, what do you think you should do?"  I don't know if it's because she secretly didn't have the answer, but I like to believe that my boss knew exactly what should be done, but she wanted to see if I could figure it out for myself.  Because that question irritated me so much and because I got frustrated every time I had to tell her, "I don't know..." I started coming into meetings with my boss saying, "So I'm having this problem, I'm thinking of doing this, is that right, or am I missing something?"

This might have something to do with my need to have the right answer.  It's not that I need to be right, it's that I need to get an A on that paper, and get every quiz question right.  For some reason, I depend on the people around me to affirm my actions and pat me on the back.  I'm not sure if this is a normal thing or if it's some form of self-esteem issue, but I'd really like to pretend that I don't have self-esteem issues.

I'm not saying that I don't want people in my life, it's just that lately I'm starting to feel like I put a lot of stock into the opinions of others.

Which feels like a bad thing.

Right now, I have a Post-It stuck to my office computer monitor that asks me: "Brianna, what do YOU think you should do?"  I kinda feel like I'm starting from scratch again here, but I'm hoping that this Post-It and my awareness is going to help me figure things out.  And I know that sounds silly or trite, but there it is.

---------------------------------------------

I'm still doing my Poem-A-Day Project.  This should come as no surprise considering I've gotten into the habit of writing every day, and now it's a habit I haven't yet broken.  Strange enough, I wrote today's poem yesterday.  Which is almost virtually unheard of...but I still feel like I need to write right now, so there may be two October 1st poems.  Unfortunately I don't have a challenge for this month, but I'm sure I could tackle more Halloween poetry if the occasion calls for it.  So yeah.  Poetry.

Lame Brianna.  The end.

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.  So let them go, let go of them.  I tie no weights to my ankles."

- C. JoyBell C.

Like Riding a Bike

Do you ever wonder where weird phrases come from?  Like, "It's just like riding a bike."  For real, where did that come from?  [cue Google search]  Nope, no luck.  Or I just didn't look hard enough, which is a distinct possibility.

Anyway, I went to Girl Scout camp this weekend.  I go every six months to take care of the tents over there.  And when I say "take care of," I don't mean I take them out back and embed lead into their skulls.  I mean that we either set up or take down these big smelly canvas four person tents.  (I suddenly feel like I've written about this before, but I'm going to repeat myself anyway.)  Spring we set them up, fall we take them down.  Simple as that.

They're platform tents, so once everything's spread out and you've got two people working on hoisting the upright poles and you've also got four people on the corners, once the thing is up, you have to tie the ropes to the platform.  Now there's a specific knot I was taught to tie so that come fall, all you have to do is pull the tail end and Voila!  The rope is loosed.  I call this the "tent knot."  I learned this weekend that it's a slipknot.  Who knew?  Anyway, I tried practicing this knot at home to refresh my memory and no luck.  I just couldn't tie a knot that reminded me of the knot I tie on the tents.  Then once I got to camp, I tied the knot like it was no big deal.

Apparently it's just like riding a bike.

April 13, 2013

It's just like
riding a bike.
But you wouldn't know
what that's like
because you never
rolled your bike out
of the garage
after months of cold and school,
dusted off the seat
and took off down the sidewalk.

My brother and I rode
up and down the alleys
of our neighborhood,
our boundaries being
the busy streets
that tied us to one little triangle
where we could visit
one grandma
but not the other.
When we were old enough,
we rode around the circle,
pretending to be horse jockeys
because they used to race there.

And we always stuck
together.
It was easy.

"My two favorite things in life are libraries and bicycles.  They both move people forward without wasting anything.  The perfect day: riding a bike to the library."

- Peter Golkin

The Future

We're all afraid of it to some extent.  My boss told me last year that I'm perpetuating my own fear of The Future by capitalizing unnecessarily in my Twitter hashtags and whenever I refer to The Future.  Like right now.  The Future.

As a new graduate from university, college, whatever you call it, The Future is staring me right in the face.  When I think about it, it feels as if I need to make decisions about The Future, which makes sense.  Choose your fate, all that jazz, because we make our own fate, right?  But when you pick a path, don't you eliminate the possibilities and the potential of the paths that you could have chosen in the first place but didn't?  I have ideas, and some of them are silly or downright crazy, but I'm afraid of picking just one because I would have to commit to just one idea.  I don't want to limit myself.  Which is all well and good, but when The Future is standing nose to nose with you and you're still avoiding eye contact...it gets a little awkward.

I know one thing for sure.

I want to write.

I don't really care what else I do to maintain time and funding for writing, as long as it doesn't suck out my soul and leave me too drained at the end of the week to do anything but sleep.  I'd really love to be able to do something that makes me happy, and inspires me to write.

So the things that I've been thinking about for The Future all go in different directions, but these are my thoughts because I'd rather write a blog post right now than do the homework that I'm so good at procrastinating.  (Actually, if I could get paid to procrastinate, I would be richer than J.K. Rowling.)

Editor
I like helping people fix their written work.  I really like writing all over a piece of paper and drawing arrows and giving feedback about a person's work.  I like critiques.  I like workshops.  I like playing around with sentence structure and playing with other people's ideas.
I've been reading about book editors for the project that I'm procrastinating right now, and the majority of what I've read talks a lot about figuring out if a certain idea or book will sell and then selling that to the market.  This sounds a lot more business-y than I'm willing to be, and not a whole lot like what I've thought editing is like.  I'm wondering if I'm thinking of a different type of editing or if I'm thinking of lower level editors instead of the head honcho of a publishing company.
I don't really need extra schooling to be an editor or work in the publishing industry.

Student Affairs Professional
I really loved working as an RA at school.  I really enjoy working with first year students to help them figure things out, and I've always loved being a big sister or a mentor for those who are younger than me.  Though I say that I hate people a lot of the time, the truth is that I actually do like people.  I like being able to see that I've helped someone out, and I like being able to help people learn and develop.  My boss at school had a big impact on my senior year, and I want to be able to pass on that help to someone else.
I've talked to my boss and people who I know who are in this field, and their passion for their work is infectious.  It's one of those things that I get really excited about in bursts, and then get lost in trying to figure out how to do it.  There's probably a lot more administration and paperwork to be done in this field than I'm thinking, but being able to see that I'm making a difference or helping people would be huge.
I would have to go to graduate school, preferably for some college student personnel Masters degree.

Librarian
I love the library.  Though there are some libraries (particularly academic ones) that creep me out, I really love the idea of neighborhood libraries and how they could be a central hub for a community.  Creating community was a huge thing with me in college because I was an RA, and I would want to do things to create or maintain a community in a neighborhood because I think that would be really neat.  Plus I would love to be able to share my enthusiasm for books.
I'm not really sure what a librarian does outside of shelve books, assist with research projects, recommend books, help with homework, or plan community programs.  I've heard that librarians at academic librarians have to write papers and present them at conferences, but that's not really something I would be interested in.  I want to be able to help people somehow.
I would have to go to graduate school for a Masters in Library Sciences.  Which I have no idea what it means.

So what I'm saying is that if I pick one out of these three ideas, chances are I'm going to have to go to graduate school, and then I'll have to worry about all of those things.  I really want to be able to see that I'm making a difference in a community or a person's life or in their written work.  Another thing about these is that editors and librarians are sort of on a sinking ship what with self-publishing and e-books.  So I'm not really sure if either of those careers would look like something I would want to do in The Future Future anyway.

I suspect that I'm thinking too much, which is usually the case for these things, but I can't help but sit on that rocking chair of worry and get nowhere because it feels like if I'm worrying about The Future I can justify not doing something immediately.  What I'm saying is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I'm not quite sure that that's okay anymore.  I'm getting bombarded from all sides with questions of what I'm going to do or who I'm going to be, and the only answer I have is "I don't know yet."  But that doesn't seem to satisfy any of the askers.  Trust me, it's not making me feel any better either.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?  I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit I'm just the same as I was.  Now don't you understand that I'm never changing who I am."

- Imagine Dragons, 'It's Time'

I Will (Not) Miss Living in a Residence Hall

1.  I will not miss sharing a bathroom with 20 some odd other girls.
2.  I will not miss my next door neighbor singing opera at all hours of the day and night.
3.  I will not miss the boys on the floor below me blasting their rap music and yelling at video games.

4.  I will miss the programs and the bulletin boards.
5.  I will miss having an excuse to cover my door with my name.
6.  I will miss dancing in the lobby to "Build Me Up, Buttercup."

7.  I will not miss stupid people.
8.  I will not miss washers that explode.
9.  I will not miss drunken people stumbling down the hallways.

10.  I will miss the fellowship created amongst RAs who all have to deal with the same stupid people year after year.
11.  I will miss having a close enough relationship with my boss that I can rant and cry in her office and not feel awkward.
12.  I will miss having Desk Aides to rant to and their looks of bewilderment when they have no idea what I'm talking about.

13.  I will not miss random strangers following me into the building.
14.  I will not miss stains on the couches and needing to report said stains.
15.  I will not miss the people who leave the TV on in the lounge.

16.  I will miss having a friend down the hall who I can bother on a daily basis.
17.  I will miss piling into one person's room to watch a movie.
18.  I will miss rolling on my tile floor.

19.  I will not miss sweeping up broken glass.
20.  I will not miss the oodles of flyers that I have to find somewhere to post in the lobby.
21.  I will not miss people posting their own flyers on the front desk and in the elevator even after the million times I've moved them.

22.  I will miss the conference room and weekly meetings that are a lot more fun that I could have anticipated.
23.  I will miss using my mailbox as a storage compartment.
24.  I will miss being an RA.

What a to do...

...to die today.

This is my 200th post.

It's also going to be a throwaway post because I have a lot to do today.  At least, I just realized the magnitude of the things that I have to do before Break is over and...well...it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.  So that's what I'm going to be doing instead of writing a pretty blog post.  Sorry!

A Letter to My Bulletin Board

Dear Bulletin Board,

It's the beginning of March.  I'm going to have to change you.  Very soon.  Or live with "Cheering Charms: A How To."  Because I'm definitely going to be here to stare at it.  Yup.

Bulletin Board, you're a massive expanse of corkboard covered in newspaper, and I've learned to call you my friend.  Sure, you're a mammoth and it's a struggle to cover every inch of you in information, but it's been a welcome challenge.  This is March.  This is my eight billionth bulletin board of my career as an RA.

Because I'm trying very hard to make the theme of my hall "Harry Potter," this month's board has to be related to Harry Potter in some way.  And it is.  Because it's about Palmistry.  I'll bet you're excited to have a deformed looking hand stapled to you so people can look at the diagram and compare their life lines to the hastily drawn line on the diagram.  I'll bet you can't wait to have people holding up their hands in front of you and trying to figure out if they have a square palm and long fingers or a long palm and short fingers.

Bulletin Board, please don't hate my stapler.  The last couple times we met, you were all cranky and you made the staples bend in all sorts of ways that staples aren't supposed to bend.  So let's not do that this time.  Because that would be really upsetting.  Also, if you can, please make sure that the residents refrain from drawing strange and distorted images of appendages they wish they possessed on you.  You know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to say it because this is a classy blog.

That's pretty much all I have to say, thanks, Bulletin Board, let's be friends.  :^)

Cheers,
Brianna

This is the board I ended up making for March.  It's about palm reading because I wanted to learn about palm reading.  Yeah, that's a hand.  I drew it.  This is why I'm not an art major.  

"Our mission is facilitating enjoyable, sustainable, and inclusive communities that support and enhance students' academic achievement and personal development."

- ORL mission statement

Goblets of Fire

On another note, I made door decs for my RAs this semester.  In keeping with my Harry Potter theme, I made Goblets of Fire:

I made the goblets out of brown foam (because the book says that the goblet is made out of wood) and used gold glitter glue to make it look more goblet-like.  The blue flames are made of white, pale blue and dark blue tissue paper cut into flames.  I used Scotch tape to attach the layered flames to the back of the goblet.  The name is written in a font called Big Mister C because I wanted it to look like handwriting, but I didn't want to write them all out myself.  So there you have it!  Goblets of Fire to make all my RAs Triwizard Champions!

Remember Remember...

My November bulletin board

On a note completely unrelated to The Future...I'm required to make a bulletin board each month for my job. I have to cover this gigantic mammoth sized bulletin board with information and fun things.  I'm trying to keep my boards related to British things because my hall theme is Harry Potter...  So for November, I made a board about Guy Fawkes Night.  Mostly because I really enjoy V for Vendetta and I wanted an excuse to learn more about where it came form originally.

The board includes:
- The Conspirators (of The Gunpowder Plot)
- The Plot (reasons behind it, etc.)
- Impressions on Pop Culture (which gave me an excuse to talk about V for Vendetta)
- Lasting Impressions (Bonfire Night, etc.)
- Comics and pictures featuring Guy Fawkes or related things

What do you want?

I honestly don't know.

I have no idea what I want to eat for breakfast let alone what I want to do with my life.

So if I had to pick?  If I absolutely had to pick something because the rest of my life depended on it?  Would I be able to answer?  Would I be able to come up with something?  Let's see.

I want to be happy.  This has to be the broadest thing that I could ever think of, but there it is.  My ultimate goal in life is to find happiness and retain it.  It'd also be really nice if the people around me could also be happy.  I'm concerned about the people around me for all the obvious reasons in addition to the fact that I love them a lot.

I want to be able to have fun and not have to hide it.  I'm convinced that people get to a certain age and then they're not allowed to admit that they're having fun.  I like to think that they're not allowed to admit it because the alternative is that they're just not having fun at all, which is way too depressing to think about.  If anyone can tell me what age you have to be to be ashamed of admitting when you're having fun, I would really like to know because I'm concerned that I'm reaching that age, and in order to be taken seriously in "the real world," I might just have to renounce my ability to show when I'm having a good time.

I want adventures but I want safety.  Sometimes I'm daring, but more often than not, I play it safe.  I don't take risks.  I don't walk the edge.  I walk squarely in the middle and I get out of people's way when they come running towards me.  The adventures I have are under strictly controlled circumstances because I don't do spontaneity.  But at the same time, I want that.  So I'm conflicted there.  I want to explore, but I want to have the luxury of keeping a map in my pocket so I can consult it if I get lost.  I want to learn new things about where I'm at, but I want to have some place to call home so I can go back when I'm lonely.

I want to read.  For fun.  All the time.  I want to read everything I can get my hands on, even the dry and boring books because then I'll have something to complain about.  I want to read poetry out loud on street corners and draw the stares of tourists but it wouldn't matter.  Mostly because I would be having fun.  (See above.)

I want to write awful fragments of stories and random lines of poetry that never make sense together.  I want to write them all down, shuffle them up and hide them away in my writing box.  I want to keep them secret.  (Though I realize writing about them here kind of negates that secret bit.  Oh well.)

I want to fall in love.  I want to be able to open up to someone and trust them not to run away, but if they do, I want a broken heart.  I would want to feel the loss.

I want to feel.  I want to help people.  I want to do something worthwhile.  I want to make an impression.  I want to make my family proud.  I want to get so mad that I yell in public places.  I want to make a scene.  I want to walk until I'm completely exhausted.  I want to re-read my favorite books eight billion times.  I want to read Shakespeare aloud.  Somewhere.  I want to go everywhere and nowhere.

I want to live.

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Letter to Conflicts

Dear Conflicting Events,

Hi, hello, I'm Brianna.  You probably know me already.  I'm over-involved.  But this isn't about me.

Anyway, I'd like to take a moment to congratulate you on the number of events that you're holding on campus!  Really, it's awesome that you've got so much going on!  There's movies, speakers, game shows (though I typed "shoes" the first time, game shoes...hmm...), dances, programs...you've literally got a sampling of just about everything that's good in life.  You've even got free food.  And what college student can pass up free food?  What human being can pass up free food for that matter?

With so much going on, it's a wonder that you keep it all straight.  There are Facebook events, flyers, there's the campus event calendar, the planner...sometimes I wonder about who's responsible for creating all of these things and I wonder if it's all the same person, because I notice some inconsistencies.  Especially in the student planner versus just about everything else.  I swear whoever puts together the planner gets a totally different calendar than everyone else.  Which probably doesn't do much for their self-esteem.  Which is sad and depressing.

My problem is that I have friends.  That's not really a bad problem to have, but it becomes a problem when my friends are involved in planning things.  Or organizing things.  Or performing in things.  You get the idea.  It's a problem because I have friends that are just as involved as I am.  So I'm obliged to go to their events.  And they're fun events, don't get me wrong, but there are also eight other events going on at the EXACT same time that I want to go to as well.  Which makes me want to be able to split myself off into eight separate parts so I can be at all places at once.

And though that would be really cool, part of me wonders if that's just a little too much like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  Or cloning.

And I'm not really sure how people would react to that.

Plus I'm nice.  I like being there for people.  I like lending support.  And I like going to events.  I generally like people.  I say generally for a reason, but this post is not the time to explain that one.  But yes.  I generally like people, and people go to events, and I get to see them, and I have fun, and it's great.  But I inevitably have to say "no" to one person if I say "yes" to another.  And that pains me.  Because occasionally I'm a good person.  I don't really like disappointing people.  Not that I think that there are people out in the world who think, "Hm.  Who can I disappoint today?  I quite enjoy disappointing people..." but you understand what I'm saying.

Conflicting Events, can't you just create a wormhole so I can see into all the different events at the same time? That way I don't have to clone myself or split my soul or anything painful like that.  And everyone's happy!  Right?

Much love,
Brianna
The Over-Involved One

Question Saturday

Q:  What's your interpretation of a recent dream you had?

A:  One of my keys was bent in half.  My RA key.  I would say that has something to do with my apprehensions about my job and fulfilling expectations to the best of my ability.  Performance evaluation this week, so...yeah.

Q:  Why do you think people say someone's "bananas"?

A:  Because saying that they're "kiwis" is weird?

Q:  Why is it important to be genuine?

A:  Because the alternative is so difficult.  If you spend all your time lying about who you are, what you like, where you're from, etc., it's just difficult to keep all the lies straight, and then if you figure out that the person you've been ingenuine towards is someone you actually would rather be genuine with....it would just be way too complicated to straighten out all the deceptions.  Besides, would they like your genuine self?  All sorts of complications there.  Being genuine's just easier.

Q:  What happens in the latest movie you saw?

A:  The latest movie I saw was Puss in Boots, and I would tell you about it...but it hasn't been released in theatres yet.  (Spoilers...)

Thank you to IWU Homecoming for giving us the chance to see Puss in Boots before it's official release!

Q:  What was your major in college?  How did you choose it?

A:  English Writing.  I knew I wanted to do something with writing.  At least, I was pretty sure.  It was a toss up between creative writing and theatre.  At some point in second semester of my freshman year I spent the majority of my time explaining my actions with "and that's why I should be an English major..." so I declared an English major because it was simple, natural, and it just felt like the right thing to do.

"Write a lot, but read even more."

- Amanda Hocking

More Things I've Learned

Sure, I posted today at 12:30 AM, but I feel like I should make up for being negligent on this blog...and this is my life.  So more things I've learned.

• Spree = roofies, but first years are more observant than you might want them to be when you're "having fun" roofie-ing them...
• Acting drunk in a first year hall should be saved until second semester so you don't get handed a "What's a Drink?" pamphlet with the promise that "this is an intervention."
• If your friends are in the novel-writing class, and you offer to read their work, they'll really let you read it.  And they'll ask for feedback.  What more could I ask for?!  I love it!
• Writing a poem every day helps maintain sanity in business classes.
• Too much to do.
• Cell phone alarms will keep me on track until I forget to enter an event in my phone's calendar.
• It's possible to crank out a script for a murder mystery in 13-ish hours.  After initial outlining and preparations, of course.
• Don't Panic.
• Prostitute posture.  The end.
• "Some people find it charming."
• Late night texting makes sleepless nights infinitely better.
• If you can design flyers, people will ask you to.
• First years will let complete strangers into the building and they will camp out in the conference room to do their homework.  (Really?  Go to the library, sophomores!)
• I will always be the last one to know anything.
• If you spend enough time in a building that you don't officially live in, the residents will adopt you and let you into the building without asking questions.  (Thanks, Kemp!)
• If you want to print something in color, ask you friend for the password to his computer before breaking into his room.
• None of the printers in weird places on campus will work if you're trying to make life easier for yourself.
• My hair does weird things.
• If you ask someone "Are you a writer?" the most common responses are "Kind of..." or "I'm not very good..."
• A Pandora station based on "Rhapsody in Blue" is exactly what I needed.

Crisis Response

I knew this was going to be the most difficult part of my job.
And I knew this was going to be the part of the job that would kick my butt.

As an RCA, I'm required to take a certain number of all-campus "primary duty" nights.  Which means I get to carry around a gigantic set of keys, a magical messenger bag, and the Phone of Death.  These duty nights are weekends.  Now anyone who has ever lived on a college campus knows that the most excitement happens on weekend nights.

And every RA knows that if they can't handle something, they need to call Primary.  Which means that the Phone of Death goes off with its evil ringtone that strikes fear into even the most steel-hearted RCAs.  And for Brianna, that means that nerves get frayed, and sleep is lost.  The last time the phone rang it wasn't even a crisis, but I can almost promise that I won't be able to sleep the rest of the night because I'm terrified that that phone's going to go off.

I'm supposed to respond to crises.  And I'm trained to do that.  But when I get into a situation in which I'm supposed to be cool, calm, and collected.  Nope.  Silent.  Frozen.  Panicked.  Which is horrible for the RA that you're responding to because they're looking to you for some comfort and support.  And I can give them that, but I'd much rather give them a hug instead of going in gung ho about an alcohol violation in the residence hall.  I mean, I can do that too, but can we hug first?

So I'm scared.
Really scared.
And tired.
And my head hurts.
And I'm generally miserable, but I'm supposed to be going to brunch with friends in about eight and a half hours.  I'm trying not to think about the homework that I should do tomorrow.  In addition to all my other obligations tomorrow.  Basically I'm doomed.

I'm really tempted to pass out.
And if I could, I would.
But the Phone of Death haunts my waking nightmares.
And it just won't lull me to sleep.  

Multi-Faceted

Q: Everyone's multi-faceted, right?

A: Right.

Q: Even you, cheerypants?  I find that unlikely.

A: Your skepticism is unnerving.  But I assure you, I'm multi-facted too.

Q: Oh yeah?

A: Yeah.

Anyone who knows me can describe me as "happy."  They can also describe me as "nice," but if you know me at all you'll already know how much I hate the word "nice" in all its mild-mannered unassuming blandness. I'd rather be called "sweet" or "thoughtful" over "nice."  Even just saying the word "nice," it just sounds like it falls short of describing anyone.  The word is inadequate.  It should probably be abolished.

Anyway.
I would like to state for the record that I am not always "happy."  As my Desk Aides know, there are times when I can sober up and get serious.  Which also sounds like a bland word, but I'm letting that one be.  Only because it's true.  I'm not saying that I can go a whole day without smiling (though I've tried that once, and it was really difficult), but I am saying that "happy" isn't it.

Along with the "happy" descriptor, it's likely that I would get described as positive or optimistic.  Which as many people know is also not true.  At least it's not true all the time.  If I've known you for a while, chances are I'm more comfortable with telling you all about my apprehensions about doom and destruction.  Because I see it all the time.  Maybe a lot of it is me being crazy or paranoid, but I can be so spectacularly pessimistic sometimes, you wouldn't believe.

I'm also impatient.  I hate waiting for things.  I hate lines, I hate waiting for a cast list to be posted, I hate waiting for a meeting to happen.  I also hate (hate is such a strong word, I should change that...) people who take way too long to get to their point when they know that I'm in a hurry.  I'm rushing here, and you're taking half an hour to tell me that you need someone else to send out that e-mail!  You can't just tell me off the bat so I can leave you in the dust once the final word has left your lips?  No?  Okay, that's cool, I'll just stand here nodding and smiling until I get permission to leave, all the while throwing flaming darts in my imagination.

That's another thing.  I hate stupid people.  Generally, I enjoy people.  Sometimes they astound me with the brilliance that they're capable of.  But at the same time they can be capable of such stupidity it's shocking.

I may have an inferiority complex, or just a low self esteem thing, because if you give me a compliment that's outside the canon of "You're so nice..." or "You're always so positive!" or "You brighten my day!", chances are I either a) won't believe you or b) question you.  It's just because I'm in disbelief that anyone could think that I'm anything outside of "nice," "positive," or "bright."  As such, I also underestimate my own work.  I was convinced that I'd get a B or maybe a B+ on a paper that I ended up getting an A on.  And part of me didn't think I deserved it.  It must have been some fluke, someone else must have written that paper, because none of my papers ever deserve an A.  Same with my poetry.  You may come up to me and say that you really liked my poem, and I'll remember that for about half an hour until I sink back into believing that all my poetry is silly and not worth reading.  Because sometimes I'm stupid like that.

I work too hard.  And that's why my RA staff put on their expectations list for me that I'll 1) leave the building, because if I don't I will go insane, kill all the residents, and never stop working and 2) say "no."  Because apparently I'm the RCA who can't say no.  Which can be misconstrued in suggestive ways that I'm not going to address right now.  We're going to let that one lie.

I procrastinate.  But you know this.

I'm a control freak with the idea planted in my head that "if you want it done right, do it yourself."  Which is a bummer when I'm trying to help other people learn.

Q: Wow, this post is negative.

A: Yeah, I just realized that.  Not so much "multi-faceted" as pessimistic in general.

Q: So you gonna fix that?

A: Working on it, sheesh!

At the same time, I am positive.  I'm the one who can say "it'll all turn out in the end" and actually mean/believe it.  I'm the one who believes in fairy tale endings, Prince Charming, ghosts, love at first sight, fate, miracles, and magic. I believe that people have the capacity for greatness and that the only life worth living is one that you're happy with.  I don't care about having money except that since I have none, I try to horde my none-ness.

I find wonder in small things.  Like the wind farm from a couple weeks ago.  We just passed a wind farm and I was fascinated.  I still really want to know how all of that works.

I love to perform.  And I'm really good at pretending I'm tired when I don't want to talk to someone.  We're not going to talk too much about this one because I'd like to keep that one unadvertised for the most part.  Apparently my other improv specialty is acting fall down drunk.  Thank you, Captain Jack Sparrow.

I'm enthusiastic (generally) and supportive.  I answer questions with some confidence and I make a kick ass bulletin board.

I would sacrifice my own happiness to see someone else happy.  Maybe because there's something wrong with me, but mostly because everyone else's happiness is a lot more important to me than my own.  I would just feel selfish if I worried too much about my own happiness.  Which is another reason why I've been told I need to "take time for me."

I am fiercely loyal.  If you're my friend, I'll defend you.  And you're also my friend for life.  I get attached really easily even if I don't "let people in" very easily.

I would like to say I'm quirky or eccentric, but I'm not sure it's that dramatic.  When I write I frequently sprawl across the tile floor of my dorm room and write while lying on my stomach.  I actually enjoy editing people's papers.  Or other things.  The last couple of Finals weeks I wore a hat or something on my head as a Thinking Cap while I studied or wrote papers.  I maintain that it actually helped.  I also have a Post-It addiction.  It's pretty bad, but I'm coping.

I'm good at giving compliments even if I'm not good at receiving them because I'm observant.  I try to notice the little things so I can pick up on what's important to someone.  If only so I can ask them about it later.  I promise, I'm not a creeper.

I guess I'm semi-intelligent.  Though I'm still having difficulty wrapping my head around this one because nearly everyone around me is smarter than I am.  So that's...that.

Um.  So I'm thinking this positivity (which Google Chrome says is a fake word) has equaled out the negativity.  This is the all about Brianna post.  Please, I implore you not to judge me too harshly, because these are the things I see.  I'm not even going into what I think others see.  HEY!  This works perfectly with my "create an image of the self" for my Senior Seminar presentation today!  The fact that I didn't do this on purpose is absolutely astounding.  I'm not even joking.  Wow.

"The final mystery is oneself."

- Oscar Wilde

Door Decs

So I feel like I should have promised to share my door decs with all of my adoring fans.  Because they're pretty much amazing.

All I did was take foam rectangles and cut out the shield outline.  With the scraps I could make the top bit where the house name goes and with the scrap from the other color, I could make the bit where the RA's name goes.  I used puffy/fabric paint to write the names of the houses and the RAs.  And I got the badger, eagle, lion, and snake heads from wallpapers that I found here: http://ibuki-san.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=24.  I basically printed them out, laminated them, and glued them to the foam pieces that I had already duct taped together.

Simple as that!

This is me!  Hufflepuff for the win!

Gryffindor rawr!

Slytherin, hissssss!

Ravenclaw, CAW!

"You might belong in Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart..."

- The Sorting Hat

Things I've Learned

So the prompt for Sunday Scribblings today is "pleasure," and I was very, VERY close to stretching it by just saying "I take great pleasure in learning things" and then linking it to this post.  I feel like that would be cheating...so I'm not going to do that.  So this is what I've learned this week.  Or at least what I've learned in the past four days.

• Your building may be in the shape of an "A," you may know this, but you will still get lost.
• Your father will know which way your room is better than you do.  During move-in.
• The fire in the fireplace is nothing to be alarmed about.
• A "geek" is a circus performer who bites the heads off of live chickens.
• The blades of wind farm windmills are approximately the length of a semi and look like airplane wings.
• There are two Comlara Parks.  On either side of a lake.  And this is not okay.
• People appreciate my positivity, smile, and calmness.
• Forever stamps last...forever.
• Skittles is a dangerous game.  But lots of fun.
• Empty buildings are creepier when there's a shower dripping in the dark bathroom.
• You will find an entire cabinet of plastic bags left over from last year because the person responsible for recycling them is a slacker.
• You may be adamant that the fire alarm will not go off in your building, but by the end of the week the central AC will force your fire alarm to go off.  Now that's what you call ironic...
• You can make the little beeping smoke alarms stop making noise if you take them off the ceiling...
• Even boys sing along with the songs they know.
• Call Secondary.

Posts and updates about my door decs and other RCA pursuits are forthcoming because they have consumed my life so far.  Hooray!

RETREAT!!!

Q:  What are you doing?

A:  I dunno, what are you doing?

Q:  No, really, what are you doing?

A:  I'm writing a blog post instead of putting velcro on my door dec thingys for my RAs.  Because I'm awesome like that.

I'm also waiting until the time when I have to be in the parking lot behind my building so I can go on a retreat with the rest of the RCA staff.  I have no idea what we're going to be doing, but I think it's safe to assume that I'll probably be outside most of the day, and I'll probably be doing something.  As long as I'm not writing a twenty five page paper about John Steinbeck, I'm a happy camper.

And then there's the scramble to get everything I need to have done before the RAs come done.  (That sentence was weird.)  So I'm doing a lot of stuff related to that.  Including (but not limited to) making door decs, making other exciting things, cleaning the desk, and generally staring at the pretty paper in ORL.

But today I get to retreat from all that, so I'm extremely pleased.