A: Right.
Q: Even you, cheerypants? I find that unlikely.
A: Your skepticism is unnerving. But I assure you, I'm multi-facted too.
Q: Oh yeah?
A: Yeah.
Anyone who knows me can describe me as "happy." They can also describe me as "nice," but if you know me at all you'll already know how much I hate the word "nice" in all its mild-mannered unassuming blandness. I'd rather be called "sweet" or "thoughtful" over "nice." Even just saying the word "nice," it just sounds like it falls short of describing anyone. The word is inadequate. It should probably be abolished.
Anyway.
I would like to state for the record that I am not always "happy." As my Desk Aides know, there are times when I can sober up and get serious. Which also sounds like a bland word, but I'm letting that one be. Only because it's true. I'm not saying that I can go a whole day without smiling (though I've tried that once, and it was really difficult), but I am saying that "happy" isn't it.
Along with the "happy" descriptor, it's likely that I would get described as positive or optimistic. Which as many people know is also not true. At least it's not true all the time. If I've known you for a while, chances are I'm more comfortable with telling you all about my apprehensions about doom and destruction. Because I see it all the time. Maybe a lot of it is me being crazy or paranoid, but I can be so spectacularly pessimistic sometimes, you wouldn't believe.
I'm also impatient. I hate waiting for things. I hate lines, I hate waiting for a cast list to be posted, I hate waiting for a meeting to happen. I also hate (hate is such a strong word, I should change that...) people who take way too long to get to their point when they know that I'm in a hurry. I'm rushing here, and you're taking half an hour to tell me that you need someone else to send out that e-mail! You can't just tell me off the bat so I can leave you in the dust once the final word has left your lips? No? Okay, that's cool, I'll just stand here nodding and smiling until I get permission to leave, all the while throwing flaming darts in my imagination.
That's another thing. I hate stupid people. Generally, I enjoy people. Sometimes they astound me with the brilliance that they're capable of. But at the same time they can be capable of such stupidity it's shocking.
I may have an inferiority complex, or just a low self esteem thing, because if you give me a compliment that's outside the canon of "You're so nice..." or "You're always so positive!" or "You brighten my day!", chances are I either a) won't believe you or b) question you. It's just because I'm in disbelief that anyone could think that I'm anything outside of "nice," "positive," or "bright." As such, I also underestimate my own work. I was convinced that I'd get a B or maybe a B+ on a paper that I ended up getting an A on. And part of me didn't think I deserved it. It must have been some fluke, someone else must have written that paper, because none of my papers ever deserve an A. Same with my poetry. You may come up to me and say that you really liked my poem, and I'll remember that for about half an hour until I sink back into believing that all my poetry is silly and not worth reading. Because sometimes I'm stupid like that.
I work too hard. And that's why my RA staff put on their expectations list for me that I'll 1) leave the building, because if I don't I will go insane, kill all the residents, and never stop working and 2) say "no." Because apparently I'm the RCA who can't say no. Which can be misconstrued in suggestive ways that I'm not going to address right now. We're going to let that one lie.
I procrastinate. But you know this.
I'm a control freak with the idea planted in my head that "if you want it done right, do it yourself." Which is a bummer when I'm trying to help other people learn.
Q: Wow, this post is negative.
A: Yeah, I just realized that. Not so much "multi-faceted" as pessimistic in general.
Q: So you gonna fix that?
A: Working on it, sheesh!
At the same time, I am positive. I'm the one who can say "it'll all turn out in the end" and actually mean/believe it. I'm the one who believes in fairy tale endings, Prince Charming, ghosts, love at first sight, fate, miracles, and magic. I believe that people have the capacity for greatness and that the only life worth living is one that you're happy with. I don't care about having money except that since I have none, I try to horde my none-ness.
I find wonder in small things. Like the wind farm from a couple weeks ago. We just passed a wind farm and I was fascinated. I still really want to know how all of that works.
I love to perform. And I'm really good at pretending I'm tired when I don't want to talk to someone. We're not going to talk too much about this one because I'd like to keep that one unadvertised for the most part. Apparently my other improv specialty is acting fall down drunk. Thank you, Captain Jack Sparrow.
I'm enthusiastic (generally) and supportive. I answer questions with some confidence and I make a kick ass bulletin board.
I would sacrifice my own happiness to see someone else happy. Maybe because there's something wrong with me, but mostly because everyone else's happiness is a lot more important to me than my own. I would just feel selfish if I worried too much about my own happiness. Which is another reason why I've been told I need to "take time for me."
I am fiercely loyal. If you're my friend, I'll defend you. And you're also my friend for life. I get attached really easily even if I don't "let people in" very easily.
I would like to say I'm quirky or eccentric, but I'm not sure it's that dramatic. When I write I frequently sprawl across the tile floor of my dorm room and write while lying on my stomach. I actually enjoy editing people's papers. Or other things. The last couple of Finals weeks I wore a hat or something on my head as a Thinking Cap while I studied or wrote papers. I maintain that it actually helped. I also have a Post-It addiction. It's pretty bad, but I'm coping.
I'm good at giving compliments even if I'm not good at receiving them because I'm observant. I try to notice the little things so I can pick up on what's important to someone. If only so I can ask them about it later. I promise, I'm not a creeper.
I guess I'm semi-intelligent. Though I'm still having difficulty wrapping my head around this one because nearly everyone around me is smarter than I am. So that's...that.
Um. So I'm thinking this positivity (which Google Chrome says is a fake word) has equaled out the negativity. This is the all about Brianna post. Please, I implore you not to judge me too harshly, because these are the things I see. I'm not even going into what I think others see. HEY! This works perfectly with my "create an image of the self" for my Senior Seminar presentation today! The fact that I didn't do this on purpose is absolutely astounding. I'm not even joking. Wow.
"The final mystery is oneself."
- Oscar Wilde
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